Keeping with tradition: Somebody tell us a joke

[joette ✞]

Since it was on of the oldest threads we had, I thought it should be here. afterall we all need a good laugh once in awhhile...laughter is good for the soul!

here goes

[color:blue]*Three Strange Things to Ponder:*

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

*COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

*THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

*THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.

It creates a hostile work environment. [/color]

 

[darsan]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

 

[joette ✞]

[colorurple]NEVER CHEAT ON A SOUTHERN WOMAN!!!!!


A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his instrument of future generations in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said......

'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and
go to town for a cold beer.

You do whatever you want.' [/color]

 

[joette ✞]

Forgive enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded
this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" asked the Minister, "Are you not willing to
forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied .

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in
front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight
years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the
aisle, faced the congregation, and said,

"I outlived the bitches."

 

[Mise]

It could have been worse,,,, ooops, spoke too soon

 

[Mise]

Paddy and the Taxman

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.' Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's
solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.'

 

[joette ✞]

lol.......

 

[bmaus]

So I was on this plane a few weeks ago, and the pilot comes on the radio for his announcment and goes

"Goodmorning passengers, this is you captain speaking we have reached our cruising alitude and the weather ahaed of us is looking good. Thank you for flying with us today and if there is anything we can do for you please don't hesitate to ask"

So the captain puts down the microphone and stretches out but forgot to turn it off, so the captain says not knowing it is on

"Oh man, all i need now is a bl*w job and a cup of coffee"

The hostess realising what is happening runs from the gelley in teh back of the aircarft to tell thew pilot and as she gets near the front a passenger stops her and says

"Hey hun, don't forget the cup of coffee!"
----------------------------------


It goes something like that, hope its worth the read.

 

[Miette]

Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Aussie girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a handyman.

 

[M0RNA]

A bloke is going through the desert on a donkey and a few weeks into his journey starts to badly miss female company....so in desperation decides to 'do' the donkey.

As soon as the bloke gets round the back of donkey, the donkey whips its head around and the bloke nearly gets his member bitten off by the donkeys large yellow gnashing teeth. 'F**king hell' shouts the bloke, 'I'm not going to try that again' and continues on his journey.

However, a few days later, the blokes natural urges are getting the better of him, and he tries again with the donkey, and again, the donkey whips its head around, and attempts to bite the blokes member off with its huge yellow teeth.

'Bloody hell' said the bloke, jumping back in fear 'I'm never going to get any satisfaction at this rate'.

A few days later however, the bloke rides up to an oasis in the desert, and underneath a shady palm tree finds a beautiful lady, who, for unknown reasons has been tied up and abandoned there.

'Save me' cries the lady 'Save me and I will do anything for you....and I do mean anything'!

'Aha' thinks the bloke 'Now is my chance to satisfy with my urges' and unties the lady and gives her some water and food. The young lady rested for a while, and feeling much better after eating and drinking, remembers her promise to her saviour.

'I promised I'd do anything for you, and I will keep that promise' she said to our hero with a smile and a wink.

The bloke nodded, lowered his trousers and with a smile said:

'Tell ya what love, hold onto this bloody donkeys head will ya?'

 

[M0RNA]

Bubba had died in a fire and his body was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said,"Nope, he aint Bubba"

The mortician thought that rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said "Nope that ain't Bubba"

The mortician asked "How can you tell?"

Gomer said "Well Bubba had two assholes"

"What? He had 2 assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had 2 assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ' Here comes Bubba with those two assholes.'"

 

[M0RNA]

Q. What's pink and hard in the morning?

A. The Financial Times Crossword

 

[joette ✞]

hahaaa

 

[joette ✞]

Grocery Shopping

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister
to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk
cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown
hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled
steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and
eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of
fresh baked bread & cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
:laugh:

 

[joette ✞]

http://www.rickysplace.com/flash/economists.html

 

[Bags]

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink.

The bartender pours the drink and says, "listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket".

To this the guy replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home."

 

[Cpl K]

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's todger and began to work back.

Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Sergeant Major replied 'in Basra'

 

[Miette]

Three women: one going steady, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The girlfriend: 'The other night, when my boyfriend called over, he found me with the leather bodice, six inch stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long

The mistress: "Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we were wild and passionate right there on the desk"

The married one: " I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:

"Alright Batman, what's for dinner?"

 

[Miette]

MENOPAUSE JEWELLERY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big f * ckin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 

[joette ✞]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!

If he pick s up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.

'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna run for Congress.