Troubadour
Active Member
As some of you know, I have quite some time to serve out my punishment for something idiotic. The official date I am free is December 2016, a good chance I can get let off early, but I learned not to invest my hopes in maybes. So I sit here and I prepare and I prepare and I prepare. I look up flights to France and almost click the purchase button and consider abandoning my responsibilities knowing full well they would not know I was gone for a good 2-3 months. That is not me, I don't shirk responsibility nor do I shy away from owning up to them no matter how much I disagree or feel unjustified they may be. It has put me in this weird place, where by all intents and purposes I am good to go right now. I could leave to the Legion and I feel I stand a very good chance of making it in. However, I can't because my responsibilities keep me here. So I am writing this, read it or not. Feel free to think "What a whiny little poof" it wont bother me, but I can't just keep shit bottled up anymore. It's driving me up the ******* wall and as you will learn, I don't really have any where else to vent it out.
My ideations of the Legion started before I had gotten in trouble, I remember as early as 2013-2014 of the fantasies starting. I felt out of place in civilian world, I did not enjoy it. I had gotten the taste of what I had longed for in the Military before finding myself in the 1st Civilian Division all too quickly due to the Military going through a very silly period and partially my own naivete. Either way, I knew the Legion existed and I remember being young before 9/11 happened and having dreams of going off to the Legion (if my NHL career didn't pan out of course). So in the winter of either 2013 or 2014 (can't remember) I had a serious conversation with a buddy of mine who had experienced the same taste of the Military and found themselves also just going through the motions in the civie world. A few more conversations, but nothing came of it. We decided maybe it was just best to wait for a war we felt was inevitable to come in the next 5 years and reenlist then. The thought of the Legion never left my mind though. Every week or two, I would see myself thinking about it. The seed was planted.
Fast forward to 2015. I awake in one of the worst places one can. I had gotten a bad card. I hadn't really done anything wrong in the eyes of anyone sane, but the law is black and white... It does not need logic. You either did or you didn't. I had, even if only by technicality**. I awoke there in a cage. I knew my life as I knew it was over. This was going to be something that was going to affect me for the rest of my life and stay with me. I woke up and I knew the first thought in my mind; The Legion. Part of it was because I knew I was ****ed, having one of these on your record does not for a good life bode, but also, I finally had the excuse I had been looking for. I had a reason to go to the Legion. I also knew that no matter what my Military career in America was done.
I didn't waste time. I started preparing immediately. Learning French, working out, running, everything I could. Learning about the Legion as much as I could. Months passed and I continued to get ready. My charges got lowered, but still enough to ruin my life in America. The sentence finally passed down. 18 months probation among other things. I have served 4-5 months of it so far, but in my head I was prepared for 9 months.
I told no one of my goal to join the Legion. Not my family, not my friends, not my coworkers, no one. Because them knowing this does me no good. They need to not know. If I fail, I can just come back and tell them I took a much needed vacation to France and if I succeed then that is when it matters that they know. However, I can't just stop living my life. I have to continue on living my life as it currently is... I have to work, I have to interact with people, I have sexual needs that need be fulfilled. I can't just shut my self off until December 2016 (or sooner) comes and then emerge physically fit and ready to board the plane to Paris. I have to live the life as a normal every day civilian and continue to go through the motions, even though in my head everything is for the Legion. It's so hard, I could be gone as early as February and March so it's hard to commit to things. I meet women ,but I can't love them or selfishly get involved because I will have to leave them. I can't make long commitments to people. I have to smile and nod and pretend all the time. I have to act like as soon as I am off probation that I will still be here. I am envious of the people who come on here and just leave straight to the Legion and I am furious with the people who can leave and continue to put it off. If you told me today, "You are free" I would go to the Legion. There is no doubt in my mind. I wouldn't say goodbye, I wouldn't have one last night out, I would be on the earliest flight to France.
So I have a duality to my life and I am a man of, at least I think so, good mental strength, but it's hard living this double life that no one knows. I can't tell them though. I learned long ago, never tell people off your intentions unless they need to know. It's been going extra hard as I recently lost my job, as they found out I was seeking employment elsewhere (because I was in a shitty place and despite my wanting to leave for the Legion, working at a better place for the next few months for more money is indeed a good thing), now I do not have a job. I have even less keeping me here planted to my current life. I got a nice severance check from them and I want to go. Even more so as I know I have the money to do it right now. I am also finding it hard to find new work as I have the giant stigma sitting over me on my record. Employers wont say it, but after great interviews and great correspondence as soon as they learn about it, the tone changes and I find they went with someone with more experience. Probation is the only thing that keeps me here. I find it hard though, but I want to go to the Legion the right way, not the wrong way.
This was a lot of moaning and a lot of ranting, but I needed it. It probably wont remain up for more than 24 hours, but I needed to get shit off my chest. As the only things keeping me sane recently is Hockey and working towards the Legion. I can also prepare even more and work on my Francais even more.
As Don Pedro would say, I am going to keep my stick on the ice and keep my head up and just hope life doesn't lay me out in center ice and soon I can be off to the Legion.
**Was not drug related, a sexual offense, or violent criminal charge. Nor was I actually committing the actual crime, I was caught on a technicality that by law defines it as the same as committing the act. However, you don't need the details of that.
My ideations of the Legion started before I had gotten in trouble, I remember as early as 2013-2014 of the fantasies starting. I felt out of place in civilian world, I did not enjoy it. I had gotten the taste of what I had longed for in the Military before finding myself in the 1st Civilian Division all too quickly due to the Military going through a very silly period and partially my own naivete. Either way, I knew the Legion existed and I remember being young before 9/11 happened and having dreams of going off to the Legion (if my NHL career didn't pan out of course). So in the winter of either 2013 or 2014 (can't remember) I had a serious conversation with a buddy of mine who had experienced the same taste of the Military and found themselves also just going through the motions in the civie world. A few more conversations, but nothing came of it. We decided maybe it was just best to wait for a war we felt was inevitable to come in the next 5 years and reenlist then. The thought of the Legion never left my mind though. Every week or two, I would see myself thinking about it. The seed was planted.
Fast forward to 2015. I awake in one of the worst places one can. I had gotten a bad card. I hadn't really done anything wrong in the eyes of anyone sane, but the law is black and white... It does not need logic. You either did or you didn't. I had, even if only by technicality**. I awoke there in a cage. I knew my life as I knew it was over. This was going to be something that was going to affect me for the rest of my life and stay with me. I woke up and I knew the first thought in my mind; The Legion. Part of it was because I knew I was ****ed, having one of these on your record does not for a good life bode, but also, I finally had the excuse I had been looking for. I had a reason to go to the Legion. I also knew that no matter what my Military career in America was done.
I didn't waste time. I started preparing immediately. Learning French, working out, running, everything I could. Learning about the Legion as much as I could. Months passed and I continued to get ready. My charges got lowered, but still enough to ruin my life in America. The sentence finally passed down. 18 months probation among other things. I have served 4-5 months of it so far, but in my head I was prepared for 9 months.
I told no one of my goal to join the Legion. Not my family, not my friends, not my coworkers, no one. Because them knowing this does me no good. They need to not know. If I fail, I can just come back and tell them I took a much needed vacation to France and if I succeed then that is when it matters that they know. However, I can't just stop living my life. I have to continue on living my life as it currently is... I have to work, I have to interact with people, I have sexual needs that need be fulfilled. I can't just shut my self off until December 2016 (or sooner) comes and then emerge physically fit and ready to board the plane to Paris. I have to live the life as a normal every day civilian and continue to go through the motions, even though in my head everything is for the Legion. It's so hard, I could be gone as early as February and March so it's hard to commit to things. I meet women ,but I can't love them or selfishly get involved because I will have to leave them. I can't make long commitments to people. I have to smile and nod and pretend all the time. I have to act like as soon as I am off probation that I will still be here. I am envious of the people who come on here and just leave straight to the Legion and I am furious with the people who can leave and continue to put it off. If you told me today, "You are free" I would go to the Legion. There is no doubt in my mind. I wouldn't say goodbye, I wouldn't have one last night out, I would be on the earliest flight to France.
So I have a duality to my life and I am a man of, at least I think so, good mental strength, but it's hard living this double life that no one knows. I can't tell them though. I learned long ago, never tell people off your intentions unless they need to know. It's been going extra hard as I recently lost my job, as they found out I was seeking employment elsewhere (because I was in a shitty place and despite my wanting to leave for the Legion, working at a better place for the next few months for more money is indeed a good thing), now I do not have a job. I have even less keeping me here planted to my current life. I got a nice severance check from them and I want to go. Even more so as I know I have the money to do it right now. I am also finding it hard to find new work as I have the giant stigma sitting over me on my record. Employers wont say it, but after great interviews and great correspondence as soon as they learn about it, the tone changes and I find they went with someone with more experience. Probation is the only thing that keeps me here. I find it hard though, but I want to go to the Legion the right way, not the wrong way.
This was a lot of moaning and a lot of ranting, but I needed it. It probably wont remain up for more than 24 hours, but I needed to get shit off my chest. As the only things keeping me sane recently is Hockey and working towards the Legion. I can also prepare even more and work on my Francais even more.
As Don Pedro would say, I am going to keep my stick on the ice and keep my head up and just hope life doesn't lay me out in center ice and soon I can be off to the Legion.
**Was not drug related, a sexual offense, or violent criminal charge. Nor was I actually committing the actual crime, I was caught on a technicality that by law defines it as the same as committing the act. However, you don't need the details of that.
