Keeping with tradition: Somebody tell us a joke

[Ex-Pongo]

A guy was spraying all of the fragrance testers where I work in Boots I asked, "May I help you sir?"

"Oh hi" He smiled, "I'm looking for something that will have the birds eating out of the palm of my hand, if you know what I mean?"

"Yeah I know what you mean." I winked, "You want some bread."


My wife was browsing in my computer when she suddenly stumbled upon something.

"What is this?" She asked. "There's a movie file here- Star Wars XXX."

"Believe me honey," I said " I was just as surprised as you were when I found out they made 30 of them."


A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."


I've always been told it's not rape if you yell surprise first.

You can imagine the terror I felt as I walked into my first surprise party.

[Luke33]

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They dont screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags!

[Tonyus]

What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?

A lesbian with a hard-on.


Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.



What's better than a rose on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.



Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?

So they don't whistle on the way down.



Why do women prefer old gynecologists?

Their shaky hands!



What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant.



A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[Tonyus]

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

[Scouser]

This'll make your eyes water


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[Tonyus]

Why did God invent yeast infection?

So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cnut.

[Hroflr Grimm]

Tonyus, you're on a roll today..

[Tonyus]

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"



Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......




A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it." He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"



A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

[Sarajevo1992]

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"."

great one. I will have a smile on my face thinking about this joke when i watch the Pioneers of the REG march with their axes on Camerone

[Tonyus]

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

When his hand caught on fire.



What is the definition of a menstrual period?

A bloody waste of fcuking time.



What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.

[Tonyus]

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fcuking funeral director would be my first guess."




A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

[okidoki]

What a perfect day to sit down on a bench and crack open a nice cold beer...

I got some funny looks from the other gym members though.

[Martin Scott]

A Arab hails down a cab in Oxford Street.
Where to mate says the cabbie. My man I will tell you my desination in a while, but fristly can you please turn the radion off as its against my religion to listen to such decadent western music, and in the time of the profhet there were no radios.
The cabbie turns off the radio,goes around to the back door opens it and says to the Arab get out.
Why is the reply?
BECAUSAE I SAY SO AND IN THE TIME OF THE PROPHET THERE WERE NO BLACK CABS EITHER SO WAIT FOR a fing camel...

[okidoki]

My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday.
I was so ******* angry.
What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers.

[Martin Scott]

My mate who works in Tescos got the sack today.
A Bobo asked if he could recommend a good port.
Try Fing Dover was his reply....