2nd November 2005, 05:54
I detest the recollection, because my recollection always is incomplete, the recollection only took down the gloomy childhood, the scar countless thin and small stature and cuts down the sky the howling cry, all all, liked one breakdown the old-style movie, in the brain one repetition, the echo, hit my nerve.
Always remembers mother first time looks when me look, despotic, likes one is high high in above queen, I nearly very clear understand oneself must act is one commonplace, does not stir up trouble the role, may often some matters not be able like you to hope, mother cannot beat around the bush looks for my stubble, but is approaches nakedly with one kind brutal plays with me, has not been wrong, with she unique brutality. In her eye, I am only a vivid puppet baby.
Whenever others when refers to the maltreatment, my general meeting with cold cold look them, this word too strangely speaking of them, truly realizes, is extremely difficult to be confident once more goes faces, because still could feel that kind twisted in the meat stiffly the pain.
On the neck hung the string pulls neck, fell in the meat, left behind the deep deep India mark. The big old Chinese parasol tree likes one grins fiendishly the tree monster stands in the courtyard , one very thick hemp rope on one high high twig around, the bonus becomes one circular arc, I feel helpless look, mother let I stand in tree's stone, I endless stood come up --- unconditionally obey, because dreaded --- her satisfies by lip pulls one arc, I naive thought all reached this point up to, she actually flushed the rope set on mine neck, then was ruthless very kicks supports my stone.
I like the fish which one is drowned, with the setting sun together, unceasingly sinks. I silent struggle, step on the invisible air, both hands diligently want to pull the cordage, I hopeless look to mother, actually only sees one distortion smiling face, despaired, likes the water equally from the moral nature spread, flooded my top of the head. I like the fish which one is drowned, does not flow the tear, actually is drown to death in own despair. I nearly think oneself soon died, mother actually greatly smiled hugs me down, I bent down on her body, in the heart hated her, was good, I hated to nearly to want to kill her.
Returns proficiently, elder brother sees on my neck India mark, he was amazed inquires I, anything my didn't say, only was straight straight, was straight straight stares at his eye, he could not believe, when again I told him after certain years, he surprised did not say when speech all felt unbelievable, he weak thought mother only was slightly a little does not like me, right? I faint look the full hand knife delimit the mark, only the god know. I traced on the neck trace, if mother knew I said, only could more ruthless suffer me, nobody knew, that one day, I already knew, what called to despair, what called to hate.
In the gloomy living room, mother takes one box of matches entrains me to her in front of, forces me to stretch out one hand, I bitterly stare at she, actually incapably revolts against. zi ---- she delimited shines one matches, jumped the flame threw the light India on her strange smiling face, flickering. The flame gradually extinguishes, only leaves behind one section until the pole on dark red demonstrates the fire extra flame not, mother that section of red straight stamp to on mine hand back, I also is inferior to to retract, actually heard to one chilly severe pitiful yell to cut down the sky, the incisive cry liked the orphaned wolf which one suffered damage.
I tightly nip the lower lip, I pledge in no way flows the tear in front of mother, I bitterly stare at she, tight, tight nips the lower lip, in the mouth overflows fully thick thick sweet is rank.
Nobody discovers on my hand back these black burn the scar, I faint look them slowly eliminate in two months, nobody knows several months later I already am the whole body scar, nobody knows I had turned another person, the packed hole ice-cold, no longer believed no matter what who. When I see mother again my lip hang smile which one mocks, I see from hers eye own double pupil, liked one orphaned wolf, ominous was ruthless, did not tame, but also had to her despises with hates, she should be sees, she did not believe this was the look which one unhappy 7 year old children could have, she maliciously scolded me, pushed me, I sees her distressed panic, therefore I even more dissolute smile, smiles to the heart increasingly pain gets up.
Again afterwards I finished this kind of gloomy day several months, I had not felt joyful, only felt moral nature inexhaustible sorrowfully with at a loss, the short short several months, I actually felt oneself was old many, I carefully examined own body and mind am exhausted, actually only smiled one face is boundless.
2nd November 2005, 10:13
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